


apostrophe

by starlightwalking



Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Address/Apostrophe, Angst, Back to Middle-Earth Month, Canonical Character Death, Death/Rebirth as Metaphor, F/M, Fin-galad Theory, Finduilas Is Gil-galad, Gender Issues, Gil-galad Son of Plothole, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Near Death Experiences, One-sided Finduilas Faelivrin/Túrin Turambar, Other, POV First Person, Past Beleg Cúthalion/Túrin Turambar, proper nouns are for losers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-10
Updated: 2020-03-10
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:28:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23095609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlightwalking/pseuds/starlightwalking
Summary: You did not come for me. I was not saved. I saved myself.
Relationships: Beleg Cúthalion/Túrin Turambar, Finduilas Faelivrin/Túrin Turambar
Comments: 10
Kudos: 24
Collections: Anna's Trans Anthology, Back to Middle-earth Month 2020: Endings and Beginnings





	apostrophe

**Author's Note:**

> for b2mem 3/8/20. prompts were "Create a fanwork that is set in the aftermath of a disaster, either natural or human-caused" [Official Prompt], Crossings of Teiglin [Silm Locations], and “The clouds cleared and the stars came out” [Last Line].
> 
> marked as F/M, M/M, and Other because nobody knows what Fin-galad's gender is, least of all Fin-galad. (and also past/background Turleg.)
> 
> title from the literary device employed.

You did not come for me.

I cried and cried, and you did not come.

You could have saved me. I believe that. Instead you stood still, entranced by that beast who destroyed my home, entranced in a way you never were with me.

O, my treacherous heart! Would that it had not turned to you, bringer of my people's ruin, and yet there is none who can look upon you and not love you. You softened the hearts of the heartless, brought hope to us in our darkness, but it was a false and empty hope.

My father slain, my once-love returned and lost again, my home in ruins, my people scattered, those that yet live. And I, I captured, carried away, crying out to you as I passed, and yet you did not so much as look at me, so lost were you within the dragon's eyes.

I know I could never replace what you have lost: a mother, a sister, a father, a home. A friend, a lover, slain by your own hands. And I may not have been your lover, and not slain by your hand, but you have brought me to my death even so.

I was not saved, not rescued, not redeemed. You did not come for me.

No, I was not saved. I saved myself.

I am not the elleth I once was. My fae is changed, my spirit altered, my body half in shadow. At the battle where I died I rallied what remained of my people, overtook our captors, thanked the mortal folk, your distant kin, who came to our aid.

But I died that day, pinned to the tree, my golden plaits stained brown with blood. I may have walked hither, leaning upon the spear that had run me through, and breathed again the next morning, but the elleth I once was perished upon that tree.

My father slain, I inherited his mantle. I was a child, growing into the role my people needed me to be, becoming their king even as I shed the skin of my maidenhood. I had no choice but to lead them to safety, however distant and faint that promise was. I lost many upon the way, but those who died with me, those who became someone new, walked at my side toward the sea.

I ought to have stayed there, instead of coming here, instead of traveling alone to this river where our deaths intersect. A crossing, they call this place: how apt. The sky is gray, as is my heart, as were your eyes that never looked to me the way I yearned they would.

You died here. I stand by your grave, look upon the stone bearing your name. But it bears not your name only, but your wife's. Your sister's.

You did not come for me, but you did for her.

Had you listened to my cries, would this have been your fate?

Had you rushed to my aid, would I still be that elleth who loved you?

Had you rescued my people, would I be now their king?

My once-love saw your only hope in my arms. How selfless was he, to turn you toward me even as he lay dying. How selfish were you, to heed not his words.

It is night, and the folk who buried you wish me to be on my way. They are the same folk who buried me, or the remnants of them. The remnants of myself.

How is it fair, that you should have so many chances, and fail each time? And yet, how is it fair that I should die and live again on this side of the sea, and you lie silent in your grave, your spirit departed not only from these shores but from this world?

I shall never see you again. I do not know what I would do if I could.

It is night, and the sky is gray. Grief weighs heavy on my heart, but this is no new occurrence. You have long brought me to tears, and you shall forever.

But there is much more for which I shall weep, for my days are not ended. I know not how long this second life shall stretch, what deeds I shall do with you always on my mind, what lands and peoples I shall behold. Ageless I am, while you grow old in your grave, your body turned to dust and ash even as the cursed blade that slew you and your truest lover remains whole and buried at your side, its thirst for blood at last sated.

It is night, but I yet live, and so dawn must come. I am king to my people, perhaps to more people than I yet know, and they have named me their guiding star.

I cannot mourn you always, my love who never was. I must fight the battles you lost, save the people you could not. I am a light, even as the golden elleth I once was dims and the king I am now gathers darkness about him like a cloak.

I say this to you so you understand that I cannot return. That I cannot hold myself always in the past. That I must stride forward, and do what I could not do when you yet lived, when the elleth you knew hid her light in the shadows.

It is night, but even the grey sky cannot last forever. In time, the clouds will clear, and the stars will come out, and as you sleep in the darkness I will become the light you could not see.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting!  
> You can find me on tumblr [@arofili](http://arofili.tumblr.com/).


End file.
